Rich Grad, Poor Grad

So lately I’ve been occupying my time with a new hobby, a little hobby that I like to call “Poverty.” At first it was pretty exciting, but as the thrill wore off I began to realize that this hobby is a gateway hobby that leads to other, more hard-core, hobbies like collecting food-stamps.

Poverty isn’t actually a hobby so much as it is a toxic byproduct of college graduation. The average job search takes 4 to 6 months. I hope to have grandkids by that time. Other than the bills that keep piling up, probably the worst part of unemployment is the daytime TV. At first I thought that there was no real point to even having commercials during daytime TV because the only people who were watching didn’t have jobs and couldn’t afford to buy the Hoover Super Duper Chopper 3000 Blender. But then I began to realize that the commercials are actually a pretty nice break from the actual programming.

Not only is the TV pretty lame but so is the poor man’s diet. You start off unconcerned, going out to lunch with friends and associates without even looking at the dollar menu. You progress all the way down until you’re trying to decide if you should use the change you found in your car to have lunch at all or just do the laundry for the first time that month. For lunch and supper I ate leftover Chinese, the #2 special (crispy MSG covered in duck sauce bowl). I regretted it both times.

People frequently ask me, “What do you do all day?” Usually in a tone that implies that they suspect that I spend my time taking bubble baths all day without a care in the world. Unfortunately this couldn’t be further from the truth. The problem with this scenario is that while I may be currently unemployed, there are literally thousands of hardworking Americans diligently turning the cogs that move a thriving industry that is geared entirely on sending me bills. Every day I get bills, big bills, little bills, duck bills, but absolutely no dollar bills. If only I could get a job at one of the places that sends me bills, I would have plenty of work. Probably I could even get overtime.

Since my bank account is hemorrhaging money so fast, that not even Dr. House could save it, I am constantly inspired to continue my job hunt. Occasionally I will even get a response to one of the thousands of resumes that I’ve sent out. But let me tell you, nothing inspires me to submit more resumes and applications like the threat of a job interview someplace you REALLY don’t want to work, like a telemarketing company that sells pagers.

Fortunately I have had a couple of interviews lately so my days as an unemployee may be coming to an end. This is good because to be perfectly honest it hasn’t really been that good for my love life. Being poor is certainly not helpful in picking up chicks;

“But baby I don’t have a job so I can spend all my time with you. Also if we break up, who’s going to pay my cell phone bill?”