Auto-Health Insurance

What I want to know is, why is it that a car can be a “girl car” but there is no such thing as a “guy car”? The reason that I am asking is because I drive a Volkswagen Cabrio. I happen to kind of like my car, it’s a convertible with heated leather seats, cd, air, and is stick shift which means I can pretend it is a Ferrari when I’m driving it. But both my sister and my roommate pointed out that it is a girl car.

Avoiding the girl car trap can be a tricky maneuver. It is sometimes difficult to tell what a girl car is and what isn’t. It’s kind of like shopping for eye glasses or tennis shoes. If there isn’t a clearly marked “His or Hers” section then you might make that mistake. But I’ve come to realize that as a general rule, anything pink, purple, or lime green is a girl car. Also pretty much any Volkswagen. My friend, Nate once told me that according the Bureau of Motor Vehicles 86% of all Jetta owners were hot chicks. Of course the epitome of car girlie-ness would be the Beetle. I’m going to go ahead and exempt the old style Beetle, but only because the Herbie movies all had it being driven by a guy. But the new Beetles are definitely girl cars. They even have a flower vase built into the dashboard.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not implying in any way that girl cars are inferior or “not good enough” for a guy. My car is a fine piece of German engineering. But I can honestly say that I once had an authentic German engineer personally apologize to me for the ridiculous chime that my car plays when the door is open and the headlights are on. It sounds kind of like a “here comes the bride” midi ringtone. I’m not demeaning girl cars in any way. I’m just saying that it’s kind of like showing up to a meeting in a woman suit. The problem is that there is no guy specific car for women to make the same mistake in.

Anyways, I decided to man up my car, add a little testosterone to the fuel, if you will. I have decided to add those Texas cattle horns to the front and those spikes that gladiators put on their wheels to cut up opponents’ chariots. You can’t get much manlier than that. Unfortunately, I am a little broke from fixing all of the other minor ailments that my car frequently suffers from. I’m starting to suspect that my car is a hypochondriac. There are many times when various warning lights will just appear without any warning. Then after a pep talk and a good night’s sleep, they will be gone in the morning. But now, I’m having other problems. I have a headlight out and a cracked windshield.

I suggest that they should offer something like health insurance for cars. I wouldn’t mind taking my car to my local Rite-Aid Auto Repair, put down my $5 co-pay and have my windshield taken care of. That would be great. I think that this is such a good idea that employers should offer Auto-Healthcare just like they do for regular Health Care. Also cosmetic surgery would be a pretty good perk. Something like a paint augmentation surgery, you know, a muffler here, some ground effects there.

The next time YouTube, or the Travel Channel, or somebody like that is hosting a presidential debate we need to submit a question about the candidates’ stances on Universal Auto-Healthcare. Our country needs it, my car needs it. Also we need a “His and Hers” section at the car dealership.